Posted by: exileindixie | April 4, 2010

It’s been a long and lonely winter.

“I don’t know why but I had to start it somewhere, so it started there.”

While impatiently awaiting opening, please see below for some ranked outbursts and outpouring for the Twins’ projected opening day starters.  Note that players are ranked in order from least preseason excitement to most.

10. Nick Punto. I’m very sorry to put lil’ Nicky at the bottom of this list.  I spent several years despising Nick Punto, and then decided in 2008 that the only person hurt by my Punto hate was myself.  I bought myself a Punto shirsey, gave him my love, and the next thing I know the Metrodome is chanting his name and he’s taking down the White Sox in September.  It’s one of the things I’ll wax nostalgic about when I’m contemplating my exile in a porch-front rocking chair.  So it’s with mock surprise that Nick Punto that I now treat the opening day third baseman with such indifference.

9. Scott Baker.
The least aciest ace since Brad Radke.  And he probably still gets carded.  I expect glory all year.

8. J.J. Hardy. Happy you’re here, J.J.  I am all aboard the Twins Middle Infield Offseason of Amazing bandwagon.  Still, you represent the absence of Sweet Prince Carlos Gomez, which I understand, but I still grieve.  Also, I worry about grown men who go by initials and struggle after initial successes.

7. Michael Cuddyer. It’s a testament to how effing much I love this roster that Mr. Above Average Production is number seven.  The preseason is always a time for optimism, but  the first loss of the year is going to be especially hard on me at this point.  Someone please warn my dogs.

6. Orlando Hudson. He was trailing Cuddyer until I saw his filmed reactions while walking into the Target Field club house for the first time.  “This is NAIIIICCE!!”  Yes, yes it is, sir.  Welcome to Minnesota.

5. Delmon Young. Look, when Baseball Prospectus tells me the guy is the best thing ever before I ever see him play, it takes years to get it out of my head.  Jeremy Hermida WILL put it together.  Alex Gordon was TOO GOOD for AAA.  And then one of the number ones gets traded to my team, and I may as well replace my rose-colored glasses with one of those Viewmasters from the ‘80s, because I will never see reality with Delmon.  And YET!  This will be Delmon’s year.  He has the most direct threat to playing time he’s ever had.  He’s lost weight.  He’s stealing in exhibition games!  Don’t show me the stats, dammit!  Summer of Delmon!

4. Jason Kubel. Credit goes to Nick’s Twins Blog for coining the phrase that I have shouted at my wife at least 750 times over the past two years: “I’ve got a fever.  And the only prescription is more Kubel.”

3. Denard Span. I like to shout “Span!” like the Tick shouted “Spoon!”  I love everything about Denard Span.  To all those who worry whether he can play league average defense in center, I say, “Span!”  You want to take me to task for that?  “Span!”

2. Justin Morneua. In the middle of the decade, I bought a “Justin Morneau is my Non-Sexual Man Crush” t-shirt from Bat Girl (RIP, best blog ever).  The arm pit stains on that shirt are disgusting.

1. Joe Mauer. While I’m a grown-ass man and naming someone my favorite player is not what it used to be, I’ve never considered Joe Mauer my favorite Twin.  He’s always near the top, and you’ll never hear me say a bad thing about him, but Span, Kubel, and Morneau have owned the largest shares of my heart over the past few seasons after Dougie Mientkiewicz ceased to be good and Shannon Stewart ceased to be able to jog.  But.  Joe Mauer is the Franchise with a capital F.  He’s everywhere – the cover of video games, ads for the video games all over the internet, the pre game, the post game, the human interest story.  When Joe Mauer runs out to take the warm up tosses on opening day, I will lose more of my stuff than I will lose during any other moment of the preseason.  And with that, I welcome Joe Mauer to the number on position on the excite-o-list.  Number one with a bottle rocket, baby.

Posted by: exileindixie | April 2, 2010

Into the batter’s box…

In the words of Kermit the Frog, “Here I am, look at me.”  Or, if you prefer, in the words of the late Kurt Cobain, “Here we are.  Now, entertain us.”

Welcome to Exile in Dixie!

Here are the Elements of Inspiration behind this new blog, detailed here in convenient bullet point format:

  • The author likes to write and frequently thinks to himself that he should do more of it outside of his daily terse emails.
  • The author enjoys following the Minnesota Twins and playing fantasy baseball.
  • The author enjoys reading about the Minnesota Twins and fantasy baseball, and wishes to join the fray and / or establish a sense of community with people who write the stuff he likes.
  • The author feels that some small subset of the general internet readership will enjoy his writing and his particular brand of whimsy.  The idea of capturing the attention of this small subset caters to his desire to be well liked.
  • The author has imminent plans to relocate from St. Paul, MN, to Raleigh, NC.  He is anxious about this move and its implications for his relationship with baseball as he knows it.

Here is what the author expects you to expect (although expectation management is troublesome when trafficking in unknown unknowns):

  • Frequent updates (note: the definition of “frequent” will remain subjective until a baseline is established).
  • A lot of enthusiastic expressions of love and / or frustration for the aforementioned Elements of Inspiration.
  • Some evidence of obsession that likely won’t age well or appear very flattering in retrospect.
  • Better use of the first person singular than evidenced thus far.

Finally, in an attempt to prime the tone of this site by borrowing other people’s mojo, here are some public personas that author have verbally wished he could be:

  • Tim Armstrong
  • Garrison Keillor
  • Michael Lewis
  • Zooey Deschanel
  • Joe Buck
  • Craig Calcaterra
  • James Murphy
  • Freddie Ljungberg

Thanks for coming by!  I’m glad you’re here, friends and neighbors!

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