Posted by: exileindixie | April 4, 2010

It’s been a long and lonely winter.

“I don’t know why but I had to start it somewhere, so it started there.”

While impatiently awaiting opening, please see below for some ranked outbursts and outpouring for the Twins’ projected opening day starters.  Note that players are ranked in order from least preseason excitement to most.

10. Nick Punto. I’m very sorry to put lil’ Nicky at the bottom of this list.  I spent several years despising Nick Punto, and then decided in 2008 that the only person hurt by my Punto hate was myself.  I bought myself a Punto shirsey, gave him my love, and the next thing I know the Metrodome is chanting his name and he’s taking down the White Sox in September.  It’s one of the things I’ll wax nostalgic about when I’m contemplating my exile in a porch-front rocking chair.  So it’s with mock surprise that Nick Punto that I now treat the opening day third baseman with such indifference.

9. Scott Baker.
The least aciest ace since Brad Radke.  And he probably still gets carded.  I expect glory all year.

8. J.J. Hardy. Happy you’re here, J.J.  I am all aboard the Twins Middle Infield Offseason of Amazing bandwagon.  Still, you represent the absence of Sweet Prince Carlos Gomez, which I understand, but I still grieve.  Also, I worry about grown men who go by initials and struggle after initial successes.

7. Michael Cuddyer. It’s a testament to how effing much I love this roster that Mr. Above Average Production is number seven.  The preseason is always a time for optimism, but  the first loss of the year is going to be especially hard on me at this point.  Someone please warn my dogs.

6. Orlando Hudson. He was trailing Cuddyer until I saw his filmed reactions while walking into the Target Field club house for the first time.  “This is NAIIIICCE!!”  Yes, yes it is, sir.  Welcome to Minnesota.

5. Delmon Young. Look, when Baseball Prospectus tells me the guy is the best thing ever before I ever see him play, it takes years to get it out of my head.  Jeremy Hermida WILL put it together.  Alex Gordon was TOO GOOD for AAA.  And then one of the number ones gets traded to my team, and I may as well replace my rose-colored glasses with one of those Viewmasters from the ‘80s, because I will never see reality with Delmon.  And YET!  This will be Delmon’s year.  He has the most direct threat to playing time he’s ever had.  He’s lost weight.  He’s stealing in exhibition games!  Don’t show me the stats, dammit!  Summer of Delmon!

4. Jason Kubel. Credit goes to Nick’s Twins Blog for coining the phrase that I have shouted at my wife at least 750 times over the past two years: “I’ve got a fever.  And the only prescription is more Kubel.”

3. Denard Span. I like to shout “Span!” like the Tick shouted “Spoon!”  I love everything about Denard Span.  To all those who worry whether he can play league average defense in center, I say, “Span!”  You want to take me to task for that?  “Span!”

2. Justin Morneua. In the middle of the decade, I bought a “Justin Morneau is my Non-Sexual Man Crush” t-shirt from Bat Girl (RIP, best blog ever).  The arm pit stains on that shirt are disgusting.

1. Joe Mauer. While I’m a grown-ass man and naming someone my favorite player is not what it used to be, I’ve never considered Joe Mauer my favorite Twin.  He’s always near the top, and you’ll never hear me say a bad thing about him, but Span, Kubel, and Morneau have owned the largest shares of my heart over the past few seasons after Dougie Mientkiewicz ceased to be good and Shannon Stewart ceased to be able to jog.  But.  Joe Mauer is the Franchise with a capital F.  He’s everywhere – the cover of video games, ads for the video games all over the internet, the pre game, the post game, the human interest story.  When Joe Mauer runs out to take the warm up tosses on opening day, I will lose more of my stuff than I will lose during any other moment of the preseason.  And with that, I welcome Joe Mauer to the number on position on the excite-o-list.  Number one with a bottle rocket, baby.



  1. i agree, while i do love mauer. there’s just something about your favorite player not being the most popular on the team. back just before the twins returned to glory in the earlly aughts, i fancied corey koskie, then micheal cuddyer as he was called up. i’m kinda in no-mans-land these days, not sure who to befavorite (like befriend, only for favorites 🙂 )

  2. Aye. Frankly, the process of making players vie for my love is much more satisfying than pulling for a crowned befavorited player.

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